Every test in our life makes us bitter or better. 

Every problem comes to make us or break us.

Choice is ours, whether we become victim or victorious. 

There are days when you feel down and starts to questions the things happening in your life; like why are all my friends migrating somewhere awesome and I am still here, 6 years and counting, why is this happening to my career when I’ve always been honest, ethical and professional since day one of this journey, why does this have to happen to my loved ones while others have normal, perfect lives. Am I not worthy of a better life? Why can’t I afford that thing I want? Why does this happen to me? Am I a bad person? Does Allah love me? Have I been a bad daughter? Have I not tried lived my life in the most positive manners? You know, self-deprecating stuffs like that. 

But then, Allah answers them with my own voice inside my head; that dunia is nothing but temporary and life is short and fleeting, that He tests us to bring us back to His path and remind us that a perfect dunia is never the destination as it is unattainable, that with prayers and lots of doa, we will be closer to our Creator and be reminded that everything that happens in our lives is by His will and He is indeed the best planner. And as Imam Zaid Shakir aptly put it, “How bad can any suffering in this world be if it opens the door to unimaginable, eternal good in the life hereafter?” 

I read that sometimes prayers are not answered in the most literal sense. The writer gives example of a successful man who prays to achieve consistent khusyuk in solat, then his business hit rock bottom and failed. He questions why God do this to him when he has been nothing but a good Muslim. But then, when his business - that always kept him away from Allah, that always made him rush in his prayers and ibadah – failed, he submits completely to Allah and realized, his doa for khusyuk has been answered. When life knocks you down, you’re in the perfect position to pray! 

Today I choose to be grateful for the little things in my life right now that makes me happy; like the fact that Tan Hiok Nee nestles the most awesome kopitiams, that today MIL made masak lemak ikan merah with belimbing buluh and lotsa cili padi, our (Hadi and I) little ice cream fun this scorching hot afternoon, that Noah is literally a sumber ketenangan jiwa, how my husband, after almost 7 years of marriage, still makes me laugh almost every day, the flexibility of my work, albeit the lack of monies, that awesome Kingsman movie, and mostly for the little voice inside my head for those positive affirmations that I sometimes need so badly. 

Today I pray Allah grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change and to always be thankful for all those little tests and blessings. For growing trees are strengthened, if they withstand the storm.

“My mother groaned, my father wept, into the dangerous world I leapt.” ― William Blake 

Noah and I, we clicked the first time we saw each other. He, of course looked a bit dazed as to whom I am and why am I shoving my you-know-what to his mouth, teaching him to latch on it. But me, I fell instantly in love. I mean, I have loved him from the moment I knew I was carrying him in me, but the first time I held him in my arms, I fell in love. Head over heel. Told ya, a mother’s love knows no limit, has no capacity. 

Anyways, the birth story. Alhamdulillah, this time around, shorter labour, easier delivery. I told my doctor that I was determine to try for vaginal birth for this baby, which would make it a Vaginal Birth After Caesarean (VBAC), which naturally, comes with more risks. 

Two days before Noah was born, I was admitted for heavy blood show. Pad-soaking heavy, it was quite worrying. So they attached me to the CTG machine for almost the whole night to monitor the baby and did vaginal scan the next morning but everything seemed normal and there was no other labour symptom just yet. Blood show, Braxton Hicks, 1 cm opening but nothing else. They sent me home and I went on a date with the husband the whole day. 

October 18th, at night, I was starting to feel more sharp contractions, lebih sakit dan lebih kerap, and by midnight, rasa dah sakit sangat. My firstborn Hadi was already asleep so we angkut him and sent him off to his Tok’s, not without some drama of course, sebab dia terjaga and wanted to sleep with me. Berjaya lepaskan diri at around 1 a.m. and they immediately admitted me and called my doctor. 

Starting from around 2-3 a.m., the contraction semakin sakit but baru buka 3 cm! 3 cm! Rasa nak meraung when they told me that. Still a long way to go, man. There was no single room that night so I had to share with 4 other heavily pregnant mommies in distress, macam berlawan-lawan mengerang. Sometimes I would remember to change position, berzikir, do the labour breathing and what not, but other times I would just join in the mengerang session (which as we know, was so not helping with the pain sebenarnya!) 

After Subuh, the nurse told the husband that my bukaan was only at around 4 cm and they estimated paling cepat akan beranak petang, so husband went home to mandi etc. By then I was already in so much pain I was determined that I wanted epidural. They asked me to wait for the doctor. The doctor came at around 8 and I was so ready with my script nak request epidural but they checked and I was already fully dilated! How did I go from 4 cm to being fully dilated in only an hour, I do not know! 

So they immediately wheeled me to the labour room, while one of the nurses frantically called the husband and the others telling me to try to push. Tapi sebenarnya takyah suruh sebab masa tu all I want to do is nothing but push, push, push! They coached me and cheered on me and honestly, the delivery process was so quick I can barely recall what happened. Pushed a few times lalu dengarlah tangisan Noah bergempita. I thank God for making the delivery bit quite easy, phewww. Husband arrived 10 minutes after I have given birth, with Hadi and his Tok. 

One day old Noah Rashad. Mad love.

 

I wish I came up with a post-delivery plan for the doctor though; would have loved to have the baby placed on me immediately after he was born, he must have felt really scared without his mommy! He was only sent to my room an hour after that and I was told that they have fed him with formula. Apparently it’s the paed’s practice. Pfftt. One of the nurses even “advised” me that newborn need formula milk, to make sure cukup sihat, kenyang and to minimize jaundice risk. Say what?! I was feeling so much love and gratitude ketika itu so I just held back and said nothing much. So yeah, mental note, next baby, tell them: immediate mommy-baby body contact, and no formula please! 

Noah is 47 days young today and Alhamdulillah, he has been a very easy, fuss free baby from the start. He almost always seems contented, only merengek sikit when he wants milk or diaper change, and wakes up at night only for feeding. MasyaAllah, what have I done to deserve this blessing, I do not know; not a day passed without me thanking Him for Noah, the easy baby that he is (setakat ini! Hehe) 

One thing for sure, Noah certainly lives up to the meaning of his name; my darling peaceful baby :)

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” ― Debra Ginsberg 

Alhamdulillah, on October 19th, 2013 I gave birth to a perfect little baby boy, another heartbeat of mine. InsyaAllah I shall share the birth story soon. Muhammad Noah Rashad, my peaceful and wise baby, insyaAllah.

“I wish I was one of those cute pregnant girls who wear skinny jeans throughout their pregnancies. But I just gain weight.” - Jennifer Garner

 

I feel you, Jennifer. Heh. Hello! I’ve been neglecting this space for too long, I know. How’s Ramadan treating you so far? Alhamdulillah it’s not too bad for me, now at 26 weeks. Managed to only ponteng once and that’s only because I missed sahur and the last I ate was during buka puasa the day before, so I reckoned it would be better for the baby if I skip for the day. Islam does not impose fasting on pregnant and nursing moms anyways; some school of thoughts even believe that pregnant and nursing women shall not fast, and tak perlupun qadha later, cuma bayar fidyah. I am however berpegang pada Imam Shafie’s school of thought that there is rukhsah; you can skip puasa if it is better for you to do so, but you shall pay fidyah and qadha once you are able. Enlighten me if I’m wrong.

Anyways yeah, after puasa, comes raya dan ya, memang menyedihkan misi mencari baju raya in this bumpy situation (geddit? Bumpy?) Heh. Mom made me a cotton maxi dress (she’s the best!) and as at now, that is the only baju raya I have. I’m eyeing the Basic Fatihah dress from Love To Dress but isn’t sure if it is worth my RM160.00. What do you think? Their Royal Iman range seems to be pregnant-friendly as well; the very pregnant Aishah Amin even looks good in it, but the bottom part is too princessy for me I guess.

I like to browse and go blog-hopping cari muslimah maternity style, so I feel like sharing mine here, just to give ideas where to buy maternity clothing if you’re into a more simple look like myself. Although I like the idea of wearing sleeveless dress or tunic with blazer or cardigan, who I am kidding? I’m too lazy for that, and in this hot Malaysian weather? I’d rather not. If you’re looking for pregnant-friendly blouses instead of maternity blouses (sebab boleh pakai semula post-pregnancy), I’d suggest empire-cut blouses with enough gathers to fit your baby bump. Blouses from stretchy material is a good choice too as it stretches to fit your bump.
 

Here’s myself in The Pop Look Fiffy which stretches to fit your bump. My maternity jeans is from Pumpkin Patch, bought in Oz for only $19.90, super cheap. No heels for me though, I envy you preggers who are still able to strut in your cute heels. These days, these comfy pair of ballerina flats from Hush Puppies are my feet’s best friends.

If you don’t feel like buying maternity jeans/pants, you can always get yourself those stretchy pants and palazzo. Or get one of these belly belts, a simple creation that actually works! My friend Jaja gave hers to me and I’ve been using them for my normal work pants up until now. Showed it to my mom and she was like, “Benda ni pun boleh jual ya? Simple sangat nak buat.” Bukan setakat boleh jual, the combo kit is quite pricey too! But it works, jadi berbaloilah RM70.

The Pop Look tunic, my first ever purchase from them which was a loooooong time ago. Walaupun dah pakai beribu kali, I think it’s still wearable so yeay to the material quality. And fits my bump, so double yeay.

A couple of my East India Company blouses; they have many long sleeve, empire waist blouses FYI. I have a few actually, since Metrojaya carries the brand jadi senang nak membeli. EIC price range is not that murahlah but I usually only buy them when they’re on 40-70% sale. I have another pregnant-friendly blouse from Sommerset Bay which I wear to work dengan tersangatlah kerap but surprisingly I don’t seem to have a picture of me in it. 

Oh MNG carries many pregnant-friendly (and Shariah-compliant) tunic/dress as well! But of course, I only buy them when they're on sale. Cheapskate like that lah.
 

My first maternity blouse for this round of pregnancy. It’s from Summerglitz and adalah affordable. Too bad many of its other pretty blouses don’t seem to fit me. Jadi kalau nak beli, better check the measurement betul-betul ya. Bust area seems to be smaller as most of their blouses are from Taiwan and Korea, so yeah, go figure. 

Other maternity brands that I'd recommend (tried them when I was pregnant with Hadi) are Motherclub and 9 Months. Jusco Scarlet pun quite OK kalau pandai cari, and very affordable too.

Do share your ideas on simple maternity wear that works for you. If you’re into strict maternity fashion, go read 35+ Rules of Pregnancy Fashion - http://www.parenting.com/gallery/35-rules-pregnancy-fashion - but with my limited budget and patience, I’d rather stick with my simple, comfy style. Har har. 


P/S: I think Kate Middleton and Irma Hasmie are public figures with the most flawless maternity style for 2013. Kim Kardashian however should fire her stylist.

 

Our Prophet (peace be upon him) told Jabir, (may Allah be pleased with him),

 "Marry someone who makes you laugh and you make her laugh."

 

 

The topic for Lite FM Breakfast Show discussion tomorrow would be something about putting your marriage first before your children. From the promo, I gather that Richard seems to disagree as he thinks it is impossible to do so when your children invade your life and take most of your time. I guess for most mothers I know, the notion that your children would ever come second seems ludicrous. But I personally think you should not let your children take over your life and your marriage. Children are supposed to strengthen your love and commitment as husband and wife and not the one driving you away from each other.

 

It’s easier said than done though! When you have kids, putting your marriage as the main priority is not a walk in the park. You’re tired, you’ve spent all your energy on your kids and sometimes, you couldn’t care less about anything else anymore. Especially when you’re a new mom, it would take some time to balance everything out. I think during the first few months of being a mom, I was guilty of being a mom and nothing else. Simply because I was so damn tired and the little energy I had was drained out of me at the end of the day. The moment that this hit me was this one day when I had fallen asleep as I was nursing Hadi, and I just realized that I didn’t notice that my husband has been sick all day long. A pang of guilt hit me and from that moment, I vowed to put in more effort as a wife.

 

In Tony Parson’s The Family Way, one character cheated on his wife not because he doesn’t love her anymore, but simply because after becoming a mother, his wife became “a mom first” (the words he used) and neglected him. I thought he was so damn selfish but let’s face it; the wife was at fault in some way. I think most of us would agree that we all need love and attention.

 

It takes effort. And I believe everyone should make the effort; to spend some time together, to make your spouse happy and all that. Have lunch together on working days. Stay up late after your kids are all in bed and maybe watch a movie together. If you’re lucky enough to have maids or family help, coffee break, movie outing, mini vacay and all that really helps. Or simple romantic gestures would do - a morning kiss, lovey dovey texts, flower bouquet - most women are not that hard to please you know? A happy wife is a happy mother and a happy mother is the most crucial key to a happy home! It’s a simple equation!

 

If my logic doesn’t suit you, let us go back to our faith. Our religion really emphasizes on creating a happy marriage. In fact, it is considered "Half the Deen". Our beloved Prophet Rasulullah SAW is the best example of a husband; Baginda is loving, kind, helpful, romantic and playful, everything every women dream of. I’d like to share this 28 Tips You Need To Be A Successful (Muslim) Spouse! by Yusuf Estes which I really, really like as it has advices for both husbands and wives, and was written in cool, interesting tone.
 

 

It’s not about choosing to put your marriage above your children or anything like that per se, I believe it’s about balance. After all, a healthy, loving marriage would result in healthier, happier family, don’t you think so? I do.

“May Allah turn all our heartbreaks into hope, and free our hearts from the shackles that bind them.”

 

 

Reflect on this: Sometimes we lose hope in turning to God and asking for His help because we feel like we have done too much wrong. And yet think of a child who has just angered his mother and immediately after trips and falls on the stairs. Even if that child had just angered his mother to tears, the moment he falls and cries for help, she runs to him. This is human mercy. And God is infinitely more merciful than a mother is to her child. So, do you think -- no matter what you've done -- when you're falling and cry out to the most merciful ... He wouldn't come save you?

 

Sejak aku baca nukilan Yasmin Mogahed ini, aku tak boleh keluarkannya dari benak. Terlalu mudah analoginya, terlalu sampai maksudnya; Allah ada. Aku kepingin nukilan beliau, Reclaim Your Heart. Ulang tahun aku 24 hari lagi.

 

 

The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said: "No servant fasts on a day in the path of Allah except that Allah removes the hellfire seventy years further away from his face."

Image from WeHeartIt.com

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” - Willie Nelson

My life is far from perfect. There are days when I wish I had someone else’s life but there are days like today, that I feel thankful for mine. I am thankful that I have a husband who entertains my obsession with good food. I am thankful that he works hard like a real man should and still tell me once in a blue moon (lying or not, whatever) that I’m pretty despite my sagging tummy. I am thankful for my little boy who apparently loves cats more than I do. I am thankful that I am blessed with the chance to be a mother and to feel this indescribable affection I have for my boy. I am thankful that we have a comfortable place to call our own, to go back to everyday.

I am thankful for my parents who are still very much in love with each other, with us their children and especially with my son. I am thankful for my dad who still buys me stuffs even though I’m a working, almost 30 years old adult. I am thankful for my mother who cries each time I give her my hard earned money simply because she’s proud of me. I am thankful that I have an awesome friend in my little brother. I am thankful that he found love in my sister in law, whom I adore and treat my parents really well.

I am thankful for my in laws who love my son to the core and treat me like their own. I am particularly thankful for my mother in law who is far from the monstrous mother in laws you see on TV, who made bubur chacha yesterday instead of bubur kacang because she knows I hate the latter. I am thankful for my best friends and the fact that miles can never tear our bonds apart. I am thankful that everyone I love is generally in the pink of health.

I am thankful that I have a job that pays bills and buys me pretty things once in a while. I am thankful that I discover that I can make extra money from my passion for pretty things, by assembling adorable stuffs and tying ribbons symmetrically. I am thankful that I am quite good at both jobs that I do, at least I think so, so yeah, I am thankful for the confidence.

I am thankful that despite the strict office rules that I hate, I have nice bosses, awesome colleagues and equally awesome staffs. I am thankful to both God and my parents that I am essentially a positive person. I am not optimistic all the time but I’ve seen truly pessimistic people who think life is bullshit and talk negative all the time, and I know I’m not one of them, and I’m thankful for that. I am thankful for lots of other good things in my life so yeah, I am thankful to the Almighty for blessing me all of the above and more.

I am thankful that once in a while like today, Allah opens up my eyes to see the beauty in my life and be thankful. With my entire being, alhamdulillah :)

"For growing trees are strengthened if they withstand the storm"

The first time I discovered this poetry, I was 16 I think. There it was, in the corner of the readers’ column of an English newspaper, staring at me. 13 years later, it still gives me goose bumps every time I read it. The author is unknown, but whoever wrote this, I just want to thank him or her for the wonderful reminder, beautifully written, aptly told.

How very true it is that, rain or sunshine, happiness or sorrow, Allah SWT is the only one who knows what is best for each and everyone of us. MasyaAllah.

Allah knows what’s best for us
So why should we complain
We always want the sunshine
But He knows there must be rain

We always want the laughter
And the merriment of cheer
But our hearts will lose their tenderness
If we never shed a tear.

Allah tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow
He tests us not to punish us
But to help us meet tomorrow

For growing trees are strengthened
If they withstand the storm
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gave the marble grace and form

Allah tests us often
And for every pain He gives to us
Provided we’re patient
Is followed by rich again

So whenever we feel that everything is going wrong
It is just Allah’s way
To make our spirit’s strong.
Image Source: WeHeartIt.com

“I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.” - Lillian Hellman

“Never let people impose anything that is against your principle or your wish - ON YOU.” - Anis Liyana. Such a simple reminder (which is aptly, the title of her blog) and a powerful one too. Liya wrote that in one of her entries about her wedding experience. On how a wedding can be sharie-compliant serta tak perlu mengikut arus semasa or terpengaruh dengan peer pressure tapi masih perfect in your very own way. Very inspiring.

Kim Kardashian the bridezilla can learn a thing or two from that. Ngeh.

Anyways yeah, you should never let people impose anything that is against your principle on you. But this is not applicable in every situation ya.

When the government imposes that ‘thou shall pay your taxes’; you should pay lah ya. No matter lah sekalipun if you think, “What the what? Naaaaah! I don’t wanna pay no tax if my money is gonna be used for that useless mega project!” This is unavoidable. Unless you want to suffer the consequences, silalah. Jail time, apa ada hal, ya tak?

Or when your lecturer imposes that ‘thou shall complete your assignment by tomorrow’, unless you want to repeat semester again and again like some artist who claimed on national TV that he’s a freaking lawyer when he didn’t even go through chambering (Eh? Emo?), by all means, you should complete your assignment.

Or when your office management imposes that you should clock in by 9, no matter how ridiculous you think it is to impose such stupid rules on a professional, you should abide by it, or like some rebellious people (me me me!), you can just stick to your principle kejadah (sebenarnya pemalas) dan nantikan hukuman di kemudian hari.

Tapi dalam keadaan lain yang berkenaan diri awak, YA AWAKLAH, AWAK, never let other people impose anything on you that is against your principle or your wish!

Awak rasa hijabi fashion nowadays tend to be over the top and some even melanggar syariat? Janganlah ikut, no matter how trendy it is to don the out-of-bed hijab look, no matter how out of place you might look in KLCC with your tudung bawal instead of Erika Badu-inspired turban, tak perlu ikut. No offence. I do think Hana Tajima-style is cool and can be sharie-compliant if you lower your shawl the right way. It’s just that, naaah, I’m too lazy.


(Image is from http://7jabe7jab.maktoobblog.com/ - Click to enlarge)

Awak rasa it is your ultimate right and choice to breastfeed your baby, even in public, then persetankanlah orang yang pandang serong! The security guard who dared halau the breastfeeding mom tu mesti panas telinga now that it becomes a huge issue tahap breastfeeding flashmob! I personally never nurse in public (except in plane, untuk tidurkan bayi) but hey, if the mom thinks it is OK to do so, with the proper covering and what not, persetankanlah siapa nak impose No BF In Public! Anggap saja mereka kurang kasih sayang.

Awak tak mahu shave eyebrow masa kahwin sebab rasa macam langgar shariat dan drawn-eyebrows kelihatan hodoh? Janganlah! Kalau mak andam tu nak shave juga eyebrow awak, awak tendang toot dia, noks, jangan tak tendang! Which is what I wish I did to the mak andam on hub’s side. Mencik aku. Kalau aku jumpa kau lagi, nyah, aku tendang kau nyah, siap kau.

Tapi kalau awak rasa puasa against principle awak sebab it is against your diet plan, pfftt, awak boleh pergi berjemur bawah matahari pada jam 12 sebentar lagi, practice lah, macam itulah rasanya 0.0000001% dari perasaan neraka jahanam. Kah kah. Gulp.

"Puasa itu adalah perisai (penyelamat) dari azab Allah" - Beloved Prophet.

Tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, muslimin dan muslimat yang dikasihi Allah sekalian, Rasulullah sallallahu ‘alaihi wa-sallam telah bersabda:

عَنْ اَبِى هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ : قَالَ رَسُـوْلُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ : مَنْ قَامَ رَمَضَانَ اِيْمَانًا وَاحْتِسَابَا غُفِرَ لَهُ مَاتَقَدَّمَ لَهُ مِنْ ذَنْبِهِ

"Barangsiapa yang bangun (menghidupkan ibadah) dibulan Ramadan dengan penuh keimanan dan ihtisab (mengharapkan balasan yang baik), maka diampunkan dosanya yang telah lalu."

Hehehe. Hadi sengaja bagi ceramah sikit. Hadi bukan puasapun. Apa khabar semua di bulan yang mulia? Hadi nak pesan sikit ni.

Uncles dan aunties jangan korek hidung tau. Eyeewww!

Jangan dedahkan aurat. OK bulan lainpun tak boleh dedah aurat tapi para aunties janganlah tayang subang pusat pada bulan yang mulia ini ya. Kesian pahala puasa para uncles.

Oh satu lagi!

Jangan lupa solat tau!

OK sudah. Hadi tolong Mama sapukan sawang saja. Dia kirim salam. Sekarang Uncles dan Aunties sila pergi bazar Ramadan sana. Belikan Hadi ayam golek seekor ya!

30 THINGS IN 30 DAYS CHALLENGE: DAY 28

DAY 28 – IN THIS PAST MONTH, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

I have learned that the 28th day of every month makes me happy - gaji day! I have learned that I am able to update my blog every single day! I have learned that if I keep telling my husband how I want something so badly, he might go out his way and get me just that - Ahah! I have learned that my baby never fails to amaze me with his newfound antics every single day - even him standing unsupported for good few seconds make me happy! I have learned that it costs a lot to own properties and all that could be destroyed in just a blink of an eye, so why bother actually? Because we must "Work in this life as if we'll live forever!"

On a more serious note, in light of the recent Japan tragedy, I have learned to never take this life for granted and to appreciate every single breath Allah has allowed me to take. I have learned to be grateful for my family. I have learned that my husband and baby are merely loan from the Almighty and I should savor every single minute I have with them. I have learned to always be thankful to Allah, for every wish He granted, for every unanswered prayer, for every shattered dreams and for every blessings bestowed, for I have learned that He knows best.

Picture from Weheartit.com

“Who delivereth you from the darkness of the land and the sea?
Ye call upon Him humbly and in secret, saying: If we are delivered from this fear we truly will be of the thankful.” Al-Anam, 6: 63

March 11 (Bloomberg) -- Japan was struck by its strongest earthquake in at least a century, an 8.9-magnitude temblor that shook buildings across Tokyo and unleashed a tsunami as high as 10 meters, engulfing towns along the northern coast.

Each time massive tragedy hits the world, suddenly all my problems and woes seem so shallow and petty. I am reminded of how our time here is a loan from the Almighty and He has the power to take it away in one split second. Once again I am reminded of qiamat, and the afterlife where our money, friends, education level, status, none of that, will matter. I am reminded that, “dariNya kita datang, kepadaNya akan kita kembali.” Thank you Allah, for the reminder. My heart and prayers go out to Japan and its people. Permudahkanlah mereka, Allahu Rabbi.

Now I’m gonna go home and hug my baby tight.

We just have to open our eyes
Our hearts and minds
If we just look bright to see the signs


Look around yourselves
Can’t you see this wonder
Spreaded in front of you
The clouds floating by
The skies are clear and blue
Planets in the orbits
The moon and the sun
Such perfect harmony

Let’s start question in ourselves
Isn’t this proof enough for us?
Or are we so blind to push it all aside?

We just have to open our eyes
Our hearts and minds
If we just look bright to see the signs
We can’t keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
(Allah..) Guide us every single day
(Allah..) Keep us close to You
Until the end of time

Look inside yourselves
Such a perfect order
Hiding in yourselves
Running in your veins
What about anger love and pain
And all the things you’re feeling
Can you touch them with your hand?
So are they really there?

When a baby’s born
So helpless and weak
And you’re watching him growing
So why deny what's in front of your eyes
The biggest miracle of life



We just have to open our eyes
Our hearts, and minds
If we just look bright to see the signs
We can’t keep hiding from the truth
Let it take us by surprise
Take us in the best way
(Allah..) Guide us every single day
(Allah..) Keep us close to You
Until the end of time

Allah, You created everything
We belong to You
Ya Robb we raise our hands
Forever we thank You
Alhamdulillah


[Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone]

And (among His marvels is) the earth, He laid it down for all the creatures wherein are fruit and palm-trees with sheathed clusters of dates and (all) the grains with their leaves and stalks, and (all) the sweet-smelling plants and herbs. Then which of the blessings of your Lord you would deny? [Ar-Rahman. 55:10-55:13]

THINGS TO BE CRANKY ABOUT TODAY

(1) Ugly stretch marks. On the belly. Everywhere. And my post-pregnancy pouch. Eeek!
(2) Didn’t get to go to Singapore with them. I miss Orchard Road.
(3) Haven’t watched the much talked about tribute to P. Ramlee concert.
(4) Went to see a show house and fell in love but couldn’t possibly afford it.
(5) Had only instant noodle for dinner. And it’s Saturday night. Pathetic.
(6) Craving for chocolate muffin but is too lazy to bake and Ayin is too far to bake some for me.
(7) Had Koko Crunch instead. With fresh milk and Milo sprinkle. Not as satisfying of course.
(8) Want the iPhone 4 but had to wait. 3 weeks to 2 months. And it’s only been a week of waiting.
(9) Gaji is in but got so many hutang to pay. Waiting for the day when I get to be tai-tai.
(10) My parents are so faraway I don’t get to help out with adik’s wedding preparation.

Unrelated photo. No prize guessing which is Hadi and which is his Mama. Haha.
Both taken with my parents, on the Penang ferry. How lovely.

THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL ABOUT TODAY

(1) Darling baby. Worth every single stretch marks. (But the hideous pouch has got to go!)
(2) Hubby promised to take us to McD breakfast (I doubt this) and Jusco Tebrau tomorrow.
(3) Bujang Lapok trilogies marathon on ASTRO. My favourite. The best assemble, IMHO.
(4) Our tiny cozy apartment to call home. But I definitely want to upgrade someday.
(5) Done with laundry. For today. And vacuuming. And toilet-cleaning. For today.
(6) Ayin and Far; best friend and kindred spirit who keep my sanity in check.
(7) The chilled white coffee I made for dinner was so good I’m salivating as I’m typing this.
(8) I heart Twitter, for providing me the space to rant, albeit the 140 words limitation.
(9) Gaji is in. My hard-earned gaji that gives me online-purchasing power that I so love.
(10) That my parents are well and in good health and are very much in love.

Then which of the blessings of your Lord you would deny?

“Dan kebaikan apa saja yang kamu usahakan bagi dirimu,
tentu kamu akan mendapat pahalanya pada sisi Allah.” (2: 110)

Ustaz Kazim kata jadi perempuan susah. Nak solat contohnya, susahlah berbanding lelaki. Terkeluar rambut seuratpun, dah batal solat. Lelaki rambut selebet macam manapun tak apa. Lagi, kalau pergi masjid, selalunya perempuanlah yang kena jaga anak. Mana nak solat lagi, nak jaga anak lagi. Lelaki jaga anak kunci kereta dia saja. Sikit sebanyak, terganggu juga solat.

Ustaz Kazim kata jadi perempuan susah. Buat apapun orang nak mengata. Kahwin awal, orang kata, “Eh eh baru lepas SPM nak kahwin? Gatalnya.” Kahwin lambatpun kena kata, “Eh eh dah tuapun belum kahwin, tak ada orang nak agaknya.” Mengandungpun kena kata, “Amboi, kan baru je beranak haritu?” Tak mengandung pun kena kata, “Kesian dah 15 tahun kahwin tak ada anak, mandul agaknya.” Orang perempuan asyik kena saja.

Ustaz Kazim kata jadi perempuan susah. Malam-malam anak menangis, emak dia kena bangun kasi makan ke, sapu minyak kat perut ke, dodoi ke. Mata pejam, tapi buat juga demi anak. Sebab suami penyabar, tak terkesanpun anak menangis. Kah kah Ustaz Kazim kelakar.

Tapi Ustaz Kazim kata sebenarnya Allah dah bagi senang sangat dah untuk orang perempuan, senang sangat untuk orang perempuan masuk syurga. Jaga 4 perkara saja; jaga solat, jaga puasa, jaga faraj, taat suami. InsyaAllah ke syurgalah kita.

Bunyi macam senang. Jaga solat. Tadi aku solat Zuhur hujung waktu. Aku mengaku. Sebab sibuk buat persiapan untuk bicara hari Isnin. Adakah alasan yang boleh diterima? Tentu sekali tidak. Itulah dia, aku solat, tapi jelas sangat tak menjaga solat.

Konon jaga puasa macam senang. Memanglah aku tak makan, tapi mungkin aku ada mengumpat. Memang aku ada mengumpat masa Ramadan baru-baru ni. Sebab ada seorang lelaki selalu sangat menyakitkan hati aku. Jadi jelas sekalilah aku tak betul-betul jaga puasa. Suami akupun samalah. Sebab dia yang kena dengar umpatan aku. Kesian dia.

Nombor 3: Jaga faraj. Bunyi macam senang. Memang tak susah. Jauhi zina, insyaAllah dalam persekitaran ni, jauh sekalilah dari nak mendekati zina. Tapi kalau rasa Mike Delfino kacak, tak apa tak? Ngeee. Teringat dalam satu ceramah lain, Ustaz Kazim kata orang perempuan kena sombong. Jangan meliuk-lentukkan suara dengan lelaki. Kalau kawan suami telefon nak cakap dengan suami tapi suami tak ada, kena tegas saja cakap suami tak ada dan letak. Jangan menggatal bersembang dengan suara liuk lentuk. Tapi kadang-kadang lembutkan suara dengan polis ke, klien garang ke, tak apa tak? Sebenarnya dah tahu dah jawapan!

Nombor 4: Taat suami. Taat suami selagi tak disuruhnya melakukan maksiat. Macam Ustaz Kazim kata, ini paling susah. Memang terpaling susah. Sebenarnya mungkin kadang-kadang lupa. Lupa diri kan sifat manusia. Ustaz Kazim kata, kalau suami suruh duduk rumah, duduk sajalah kat rumah. Tapi kalau rumah terbakar, jangan pula tak keluar sebab ingat dapat mati syahid. Kah kah Ustaz Kazim kelakar. Tak dapat syahid ya. Taat kena berpada-pada. Dan ya, kalau taat yang bercanggah dengan suruhan dan larangan Allah, itu sudah tak betul. Suami suruh buka tudung sebab nak tayang isteri cantik, itu tak boleh taat tau!

Jaga 4 perkara saja dan nanti boleh tengok syurga! Mudahnya bunyinya! Tapi sukarnya sebenarnya. Tapi jomlah kita cuba? Untung-untung kita dapat jumpa ramai-ramai kat syurga!

“In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe
and enough shadows to blind those who don't” - Blaise Pascal

In one of the episodes in Season 5 of Grey’s Anatomy, ada satu babak Addison in the hospital church, all cried out for her sick brother, attempting to pray, but couldn’t. Simply because she doesn’t know how. A science person that she is, she told Torres that she simply doesn’t believe.

How does it feel? Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak punya kepercayaan? Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak punya Tuhan di kala jiwa terganggu dan memerlukan panduan? Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak percaya bahawa hidup kita di dunia yang fana ini terlalu sementara dan kehidupan sebenar bermula di akhirat kelak?

Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak punya kalimah Bismillah untuk diucap untuk mulakan sesuatu? Terutamanya sesuatu yang menakutkan seperti peperiksaan? Tiada Bismillah untuk mulakan perbicaraan sukar di hadapan Hakim yang mendebarkan? Untuk mulakan memasak untuk keluarga yang tersayang? Sure Derek starts all his surgeries with “It’s a beautiful day to save lives, people” but that’s nothing compared to our Bismillah, and the energy and strength it brings.


Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak punya kalimah Alhamdulillah untuk diucapkan ketika terasa berterima kasih dan bersyukur? Kepada siapa mereka berterima kasih? Tiada sujud syukur? Bagaimana ekspresikan keseronokan? Tanpa Alhamdulillah, bagaimana saya mahu ucap syukur kerana gembira dan lega sahabat saya, Wahida selamat melahirkan bayi perempuan semalam? Tanpa kepercayaan, kepada siapa saya mahu ucapkan terima kasih di atas segala nikmat yang saya ada setiap hari?

Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak perlu solat 5 waktu? Solat setiap 5 waktu sehari bersenggang beberapa jam itu, bukankah memberi ketenangan yang tak terhingga? Tanpanya, bukankah kita akan jadi hamba yang leka? Yang sangka kita hebat sedangkan kita hanya hamba yang kerdil? Bukankah kita akan terlupa bahawa ada suatu kuasa yang Maha Besar yang wajib kita sembah dan cintai setiap hari? Saya selalu berpendapat segala kekacauan jiwa boleh diubati dengan solat. Saya percaya itu.

Bagaimana rasanya jika ada masalah kerja, tapi tak dapat berteleku seketika di tikar sejadah selepas solat di surau pejabat yang sejuk nan tenang itu? Tanpa zikrullah? Bagaimana jika jiwa perlu ketenangan? Bagaimana jika tiada “Allahumma Yassir” demi memohon segalanya dipermudahkan? Bagaimana jika tiada Ayat Seribu Dinar bagi mendapatkan kekuatan? Bagaimana jika tiada Doa Nabi Yunus untuk memohon tekad dan yakin untuk mengharungi kesukaran?

Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak berasa berdosa? Untuk tidak perlu mengucap Astaghfirullah? Bukankah kita manusia, makhluk yang lemah yang terlalu banyak berbuat dosa? Bukankah kita perlu untuk bertaubat untuk mensucikan jiwa?

Bagaimana rasanya untuk tidak punya Allah untuk mengadu? Ke manakah hendak disalurkan kekusutan jiwa, yang tak mungkin dapat dikongsi dengan sesama manusia? Dari manakah kita akan dapatkan bantuan dan panduan? Kepada siapakah kita ingin meminta?

Sungguh saya bersyukur saya tak perlu tahu bagaimana rasanya.

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong

Pernah tak hadapi hari yang everything goes wrong dari pagi sampai ke petang? That, my friend, is what Murphy’s Law is all about. Murphy’s Law is an adage accepted in the Western culture that "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

Pagi ini, saya terlewat ke Mahkamah. Kemudian, apabila sudah hampir tiba, tersedar bahawa both of my blazers were at the office; called my friends untuk meminjam but Mazia was in KL and Elin didn’t pick up. So I had to make a detour to the office and asked my secretary to bring it down to the lobby. Sampai Mahkamah, the Judge has already stepped out of his Court. It’s a good thing that (almost) all of the Court staffs here are helpful, hence problem solved. On the way to the office, hit something lalu tayar pancit sepenuhnya. Sampai office, I learned one upsetting (and shocking!) news that I am not in the position to reveal here. But yeah, it is U-P-S-E-T-T-I-N-G! Sigh. And the day isn’t over yet, people.

Kindred Spirit saya pernah yakinkan saya bahawa we human are creatures of adaptation. We can adapt to the changes all around us. We better be; kalau tidak, hidup akan jadi terlalu sukar. We can wake up one day to find that ASTRO has discontinued the rerun of FRIENDS (gasp!) The whole blocks of the apartment we live in could be burnt overnight. Or worse, something bad could happen to someone we love in a blink of an eye. Tapi untuk teruskan hidup dengan tenang, kita perlu juga cuba adapt.

Adaptive people (if there’s such term) akan hadapi hidup dengan lebih mudah. Kereta rosak and late for work? Naiklah cab (I had my first taxi ride in JB kelmarin. I had fun reading all the way home. But that’s another story) Kena pindah Dubai? Why not? If nothing else, setidak-tidaknya dapat learn new culture. Putus cinta? Why bother? Move on and scream NEXT! Heh. When change occurs, be it something good or bad, adaptive people will always land on their feet! Baguslah jadi adaptive people, mesti sangat tenang.

I cannot safely say that I am easily adaptable. I like everything to be mapped out. But I don’t actually go berserk if something in my schedule becomes out of order. I’m moderate I guess, yeah I’m dull like that.

Nak adapt dengan manusia dan environment pun satu lagi hal. It’s a challenge, for some people, including myself sometimes. There’s a fine line between adapting and forgoing our self, I think. Kena pandai-pandailah adjust. Adapt, tapi jangan sampai let go of your true self. Nenek moyang kita dari dahulu kala lagi dah pesan, “Masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang harimau mengaum.” (Good one, ancestors! Definitely much better than your “Jangan sampai pisang berbuah kali” advice)

At my previous firm, my crowd adalah bekas budak-budak UIA yang mengagumkan. Contoh: Kano ialah Naib Presiden MPP (kan, Kakak?) dan Suhail adalah bekas Presiden PKPIM. Saya pula bekas kutu rayau UiTM yang suka merambu dan berpeleseran di shopping complex. But we adapted to each other and became good friends.

Sekarang, rakan baik saya di firma ini is a self-proclaimed shopaholic yang stylish dan must have all the must-haves of the season. Dia juga rasa saya manusia gila sebab suka sangat baca dan beli buku when she doesn’t even read the news. Although we are almost as different as the day and night, ours is a friendship that works, because we accept and adapt to each other.


Saya merapu saya tahu. But I just want to get my points across. Faham kan? Bahawa we are creatures of adaptation? Bahawa if we make some effort, we can adapt to different situation, people and lifestyle? Bagus.

Jadi, untuk hidup yang lebih tenang, don’t sweat the small stuffs dan mari kita jadi adaptive people (I seem to be very fond of this term walaupun tak tahu kesahihannya?) Dan yang paling penting, Rasulullah SAW yang kita cintai itupun dah kata: “Sungguh mengagumkan urusan orang mukmin, semua perkara baginya baik belaka, semua ini tidak didapati oleh orang lain kecuali orang mukmin: Jika dia mendapat kesenangan, dia bersyukur, maka itu baik baginya, dan jika dia ditimpa kemudaratan, dia bersabar, maka itu baik baginya.”

Tayar pancit? Apa susah? Suami kan ada! Ngeh ngeh.

“Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others
cannot keep it from themselves” - James Matthew Barrie

The firm recently lost one of our litigation lawyers to one major Johor company. This, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, results in expansion of my portfolios, or in the honest reality of the situation, kerja yang bertimbun-timbun. But yes, I still find time to update this blog because that’s just the way I roll; all kerja, kerja, kerja non-stop sampai kepala hampir explode will only make AM a dull girl. Heh. Okay, saya memang already dull but you don’t want me to become duller (is there such word?)

The rest of us litigation lawyers jokingly asked the account department, “So, since his portfolios are all divided among us, what about his salary?” Of course the answer was mendukacitakan. Kerja tentulah dapat, gaji tentulah tidak. Heh. Anyways, kelmarin was the first day of the many hectic days ahead. Dan kelmarin juga, Allah in all His Mighty and Love, telah menentukan bahawa suatu tazkirah menyentuh jiwa dapat saya dengar on my way home from a hectic day at work. Tentang IKHLAS. Maha Suci Allah.

Kadang-kadang, kerja yang kita buat memang tidak akan dapat balasan dan penghargaan yang sewajarnya dari manusia. Gaji sikit, pujian pun tak ada. Tapi kita perlu ingat, bahawa kalau kita kerja dengan ikhlas kerana Allah, Allah Yang Maha Adil itu akan kurniakan kita pahala, yang tentunya jauh lebih baik dari segala ganjaran dan pujian manusia. Allah berfirman: “Ikhlas itu ialah suatu rahsia daripada rahsiaKu yang Aku titiskan dalam hati hamba-hambaKu yang Aku kasihi.”

Ngeee. Mari kita istighfar ramai-ramai, kawan-kawan. Astaghfirullah.

Myself of all people, rasanya memang tak pernah sampai darjat itu, darjat ikhlas bekerja kerana Allah. Ada saja nak complain. Ada saja tak puas hati. My work ethic is simple: Buat kerja dengan betul supaya tak menyusahkan diri di kemudian hari. And you don’t want me to get started on my work motivation. Haha. Ia adalah gaji dan datelines and ketakutan kepada Mahkamah/Boss/Klien. Siapa macam saya, angkat tangan! Eleh tak nak mengakupun tak apa. Biarlah saya mengaku sendirian. Ngeee.

Memang susah untuk ikhlas. Kalau hari ini Bos tanya, “Do you think you deserve to be paid more?” my answer would surely be yes. Gaji sikit, tak dapat kumpul duit untuk travel the globe. Gaji sikit, tak dapat beli rumah idaman. Gaji sikit, tak dapat makan mewah lazat-lazat. All those little worldly pleasures lah senang cakap; untuk dapatkannya, perlu ada gaji. Lalu gaji seolah-olah jadi the supreme motivation. Susah, susah. And praise and compliments, well, it’s just natural, we human thrive on that. Kalau hari ini Bos kata, “You did a very good job”, tentulah saya akan gloat dengan kebahagiaan. Hahaha. Susah, susah.

Oleh itu, myself of all people, paling tak layak untuk preach about ikhlas. But yeah, I just thought I’d share an excerpt from the tazkirah, sebab kadang-kadang bila ada hembusan-hembusan yang mengingatkan macam itu, akan buat kita tersedar, walaupun sekejap cuma.

Lalu bila saya dapat hembusan itu kelmarin, saya tidak mahu selfish dan ingin sampaikan hembusan pada semua. Boleh?

After all, bukankah ikhlas itu suatu rahsia yang takkan mampu kita ungkai? Bukankah ikhlas itu, philosophically explained, adalah seperti semut berwarna hitam yang berjalan di atas batu berwarna hitam pada malam yang gelap-gelita? Huhu. Go figure.

"Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, She doesn't have what it takes. They will say, Women don't have what it takes." - Clare Boothe Luce

I made a pact with myself to be a good sport this Mother’s Day; so I wished all my first-time-mom-friends Happy Mother’s Day and attended a family gathering celebrating the day. Inspired sedikit oleh Sandra Bullock who was quoted to say this when asked about her not having her own child: “I am not going to waste two seconds of my life wishing I had what I don’t.” Sayapun mahu begitu, Puan Sandra, except that it’s hard to do so when people keep reminding you of that every two seconds. Haish.

[Mohon izin tiru Puan Leeds menampal FB status, ya Leeds ya?
Oh, and happy birthday! Have a good one!]

Menyampah, okay? Even more annoying sebab orang-orang yang tanya itu tahu apa yang baru berlaku kepada saya. Give me a break-lah. First, I need to be physically and emotionally ready to try again. Second, please be sensitive-lah, it’s not that I choose not to have children, Allah belum mahu berikan, what can I do about that selain berdoa? (But even if I choose to merancang, it’s my life and I have every right to do whatever I want with it!) And third, yeah, it’s none of your business anyway.

I know some of them meant well. So I tried to remain cool sambil chanting dalam hati, “Mereka berniat baik. Mereka berniat baik. Mereka berniat baik.” My mom has taught me well supaya behave, jangan buat perangai; lalu saya hanya senyum dan minta mereka doakan. Kemudian dalam kereta, Suami sayalah yang kena layan melankoli saya. Nasib baik dia faham.

Tapi sampai hari ini saya masih sayu. Entahlah, saya rasa well-meaning people akan guna cara lain untuk menunjukkan niat murni, macam, “Makcik doakan AM akan jadi ibu juga satu hari nanti, jangan putus harap, doa hari-hari, Makcik hari-hari doakan AM.” Hah, kan sedap didengar kalau begitu? Confirm saya menangis terharu kalau dapat ucapan penuh hikmah begitu. Hahaha. But I guess, lain orang, lain caranya. Saya hanya perlu yakin bahawa semua orang ini berniat baik. Huhu.

I remember reading satu blog entry yang sangat sedih few years back. This blogger, after 2 years of trying, finally got pregnant but had to abort her baby at 4 months due to some complications. So on Mother’s Day, she wrote a very melancholic entry tentang kesedihan dia. Ketika baca entry itu, saya menangis sikit. I remember thinking, this could happen to anyone. But some people can be so insensitive; tinggalkan komen yang dia kufur sebab tak percaya dengan takdir Allah etc etc. I don’t remember anything dalam entry dia yang tunjukkan dia tak percaya pada takdir, dia hanya mahu kongsi perasaan sayu dan kecewa. Komen-komennya lebih kejam sebenarnya, but I don’t remember the exact words. I don’t know about you, but I think komen-komen begitu malicious and utterly unnecessary. Lainlah kalau jelas dia salahkan takdir. Ini tidak. Dia cuma sedih. Tukang beri komen itu tak pernah sedih eh, atas apa-apa yang menimpanya? Haish. Saya tahu, menegur untuk dakwah itu wajib, tapi tolonglah jadi sensitive sedikit dan berdakwah dengan lemah lembut. Bukankah Allah telah berfirman?

"Serulah (manusia) kepada jalan Robbmu dengan hikmah
dan pelajaran yang baik dan bantahlah mereka
dengan cara yang baik." (Q.S.16:125).

Yalah, yalah, maybe I’m being too sensitive. But I’m just human. Manusia mana yang emosinya tak pernah terganggu? Terutama jika ada anasir luar. Oh! Or maybe I should suppress my emotion, mencontohi masyarakat Vulcan? Heh. Which reminds me, dah tonton Star Trek? You should, especially if you grow up watching Captain Kirk and his crew. Hehe. Sorry-lah for the melancholic entry on this gloomy Tuesday. Have a good day and “live long and prosper”, people!