The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit

Serviceable substitute for wit. Isk. Terasa. Ngeh.

Before my Trial yesterday, I sat down with my client and started to make small talk in an attempt to be polite. But he is one chatty dude. We got talking and he asked me, “Dah ada anak?” and when I answered no, he asked, “Kenapa? Dah lebih setahun kahwin kan?” Hampir terbeliak mata saya, but I managed a small chuckle.

But he went on, “Tak dapat lagi ke memang planning?” What?! I mean, why was he asking me such personal questions?! I felt like shouting, “We’ve just met, dude! Keep your curiosity to yourself!” So to shut him up, I answered, “Planning.” You’d think he would stop kan? Think again.

He went on lecturing me that anak pertama jangan planning and what not. My goodness! It’s none of your freaking business, dude! Oh my. But of course I had to behave; he’s my client after all. So I just smiled and told him, “Medical reason”, dan terus tukar topic. Terlalu busuklah sikap itu. Sikap menyibuk. Dari seorang lelaki. Lelaki yang saya baru kenal beberapa minit.


Sebenarnya dalam perhubungan platonic lelaki dan perempuan, terlalu banyak perkara yang boleh buat kami perempuan uncomfortable. But dude, it’s not rocket science; you should not ask a woman you just met, questions about her reproductive system and what not! Pertama, itu buatkan kami terlalu uncomfortable. Kedua, and this apply to both men and women, it’s none of your business, thank you very much.

I have a friend yang setiap kali tegur saya di Facebook, akan tanya sama ada saya sudah mengandung. Saya faham jugalah, sebab isterinya pernah hadapi nasib yang sama dengan saya. Dan saya rasa berdosa nak marah sebab dia baik sangat. But it is so damn tiring! The same tiring, annoying questions every single time! You’re a dude, for God’s sake; leave the perangai menyibuk jaga tepi kain orang to makcik-makcik annoying, okay?!


Dudes, you should also refrain from making comments about our appearances. Tak perlulah nak mengejek-ejek, “Huiyo pakai tudung Ekin” bila nampak colleague anda yang biasanya pakai tudung bawal RM10 tiba-tiba bergaya dengan tudung Ariani ratusan ringgit.

Once, dalam surau di pejabat, saya sedang betulkan tudung selepas solat and the door was a bit ajar, a dispatch boy passed by dan sibuk nak menegur, “Kelepet kanan sikit kak, kiri sikit kiri sikit.” Suffice to say, I was kinda pissed off lah. Kenapa perlu menyibuk menegur? We were never friends and I am his superior after all! I just scowled at him and closed the door. He got the message. Selepas itu, tak pernah lagi dia ganggu saya dengan kata-kata memenyampahkan seperti dia buat pada perempuan lain.


Our bodies are our very own wonderlands and unless you’re our husbands or boyfriends, just keep your opinion to yourself. Tak perlu sibuk nak beritahu, “I think this shirt makes you look fat” or “I think you look better in skirts” dan seumpamanya. Such comments connote that anda memandang kami, and that makes us, or at least me, uncomfortable. Lebih teruk lagi, jika komen ialah secara terang-terangan seperti “You nampak berisi sekarang.” Tolonglah berhenti dari bersikap busuk sebegini.


Janganlah bertepuk tampar kalau jelas perempuan itu tak selesa bersosial sebegitu. The same dispatch boy I told you about tadi, he once pissed my friend off sebab dia jenis suka pegang-pegang kalau bercerita. Mesra sangatlah konon? Satu hari my friend tak tahan, she shouted at him, “Kau kalau bercerita tak pegang-pegang bahu aku tak boleh ke? Kau ingat aku tak pakai tudung, aku tak peduli ke?” Padan muka. Merah muka dia. Nak cover malu, gelak-gelak dan cakap my friend was being dramatic.


Please do not stare. We hate guys who stare. At least I do. They make me feel uncomfortable. The dispatch boys at my firm (oh my, kenapalah banyak sangat masalah aku dengan budak-budak dispatch?) by jam 5, dah melepak kangkung at one corner of the office, and all they do are talk and stare. Talk and stare and stare some more. I hated having to pass by them to go to the toilet or library because they stare. They stare semua orang! Even the makcik-makcik, the pregnant ladies and yeah, even the boss. Ngeks.


I guess, in a nutshell, you guys should just learn when to keep your mouth shut, where to look and where to put your hands; then perhaps you’ll be okay in my book.