“Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much.”

Selepas sekian lama dikurniakan Allah nikmat sihat, Sabtu pagi, bayi kami kedemaman. Aku sedar pada jam 5.30 pagi masa bangun menyusu, badan dia panas berbahang. Dia nampak tak selesa so I put KoolFever atas dahi and rocked him back to sleep. At 10, we took him to our regular clinic in BBU. Doc took his temp and it was 37.6 at that time. He was still as active as ever, main dengan kakak-kakak at the clinic play room. Gradually, the temp went down.

Ahad pagi dia kembali bersuhu normal dan ceria. But came evening, tiba-tiba dia jadi berbahang. Menyusukan dia, akupun berpeluh sebab terlampau panas. Tried sponge-bathing technique that the good people from Twitterjaya recommended me to do but to no positive result. Dia lembik dan memerap nak duduk dalam rangkulan. Took his temp using the ear thermometer and it was 38.7. Panicked. Called JSH emergency unit and they told me 38.7 for an 11 months old baby is considered as too high. Must bring him in immediately.

Sampai JSH emergency room, doc took his temp and it was 40! Sangat tinggi! Nurse terus masukkan ubat bontot and sponge-bathed him; he of course, menangis setiap masa. It broke my heart to see my baby dalam keadaan yang tersangat tak selesa begitu.

But the meds and sponge bath worked. Dia terus nampak positively healthier. Oh yes, and thanks to the nurses, I learned the correct way to do tepid sponge bath. They administered nebulizer for his rapid breathing; he of course, had to be swaddled sebab meronta tak mahu. Total, 5 kali guna nebulizer but only the first one yang dia menangis. The other 4, maybe dah faham the soothing effect, dia kind of redha. Kind of.

The last time he fell sick was when he was a little baby. Senang sangat nak kasi makan ubat; the worst negative reaction was buat muka tak suka saja. But this time around, OH. MY. GOD. Susahnya! But the JSH nurses taught me the correct way untuk kasi ubat jadi sekarang it gets better lah. Oh yes, dia masih meraung tak mahu, but with proper technique, dia tak boleh keluarkan balik ubat tu. It is still chaotic though. Phewww.

Discharged from JSH at about 6 on Monday. Alhamdulillah blood and urine tests revealed nothing serious. Sangat berdebar takut denggi or anything serious like that. But he’s still recovering. Last night, his temp was quite alarming; 37.9, but he seemed OK.

Cuma banyak kali terjaga dari tidur, maybe tak selesa so most of the times aku tidur duduk, because he seemed comfortable sleeping in my arms. Agak berdebar but experienced mommies from Twitterjaya told me that recurring high temp is normal for babies, usually lasting from 2-6 days. As long as he’s eating well, as active as ever, and the meds are given according to schedules, in no time he’ll be OK, insyaAllah. Tolong doakan!

I don’t know how mothers with incurable sick children do this every single day. Watching your poor child in pain is the most helpless, the worst feeling in the world, it truly is. Rasa nak buat apa saja untuk selesakan anak tapi tahu tak mungkin mampu sebab itu kuasa Dia. So I do what all mothers do; I do anything I can to comfort him and pray :'(

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"Before I Was A Mom" – Author Unknown. A mother too, without a doubt.

Before I was a Mom I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom I slept as late as I wanted.
And never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on,
pooped on, spit on, peed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.
Before I was a Mom I had complete control of my mind,
my thoughts, my body and all my feelings.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child
so that doctors could do tests or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was OK.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love,
the heartache or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much
Before I was a Mom.