Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt
to lose something you never really had
- From the television show The Wonder Years

One of my favourite stranger blogs has got to be Missed Conceptions. The Blogger writes candidly about her two miscarriages and I admire her for that. I even feel kindred to her, someone I don’t even know and live million miles away. Anyways, I’d like to share two of my favourite entries of hers:

(1) Here, she commented on her friend’s Facebook status, which reads, “Oh baby! The kiddo has a heartbeat! Amazing. My husband and I have accomplished what millions and millions of people before us have and it’s still a miracle!” The Blogger wrote: It is taking every ounce of self-control that I have not to write, “I sure hope it keeps on beating because it would really suck to have to announce to 161 people via Facebook that the heart stopped at week 9.” I know, I am such a bitter bitch.

(2) This is when the Blogger wrote about Carnie Wilson, a 40 year old woman who was 4 months pregnant when she announced to the world on broadcast television that she was pregnant and openly referred to herself as a ‘Fertile Myrtle’. The Blogger wrote: This is a woman who not only has never had a miscarriage; nay, this is a woman who, at 40, never even entertained the possibility of a miscarriage. She has already freakin’ publicly named the baby and she is barely 4 months pregnant. Oh, to be this naive again. I can’t decide if I am jealous or if I really hate her. Okay, I know I hate her but I am trying decide if perhaps I am also a wee bit jealous.

After two unsuccessful attempts, the Blogger has now carried to term and is now blessed with an adorable baby boy. She is an inspiration.

I know I never openly wrote about my miscarriage. Ya, buat anda yang belum tahu sebab couldn’t read between the lines, sila tutup mulut anda, tak perlu terkejut sangat. Hehe. What I can say that it is a painful experience, physically and mostly emotionally.

It is even more painful when people don’t understand how heart-wrenching it is. A certain someone read my blog during the time and concluded that ‘saya senang bersedih kerana terlalu pentingkan keduniaan when I should invest on my akhirat’ (simply because I watch too much TV? Do I have to tell you here setiap kali I read the Quran and solat jemaah and what not? Tak perlu kan? That’s between me and Him, IMHO) Anyways, everyone is allowed to grieve. People shouldn’t be so quick to judge when they don’t even know the real stories. Haish. Some people can be so thoughtless.

Although most friends handled it well, there is one yang saya begitu ingat sebab selepas tahu berita itu, dia tanya saya dengan terkejut, “Macam mana boleh jadi macam tu?” like it is something absurd that shouldn’t and couldn’t happen to anyone. Rule of thumb: You should just say, “I’m sorry to hear that. InsyaAllah ada rezeki next time.” Saya hanya perlukan doa anda.

It’s even more irritating because this person, she had just given birth to a healthy baby after getting pregnant right away after she got married. She never entertained the idea of miscarriage thus it is an alien concept to her. To her, it should be so simple; Pee on stick, go for monthly check ups, carry the baby with no problem for 9 months and give birth to a healthy baby. But life isn’t like that for some. So enough already with the naivety!

Which is why
Missed Conceptions is a favourite of mine. She has been there. She has felt what many of us unlucky women have felt. I must say that it was heart breaking and I still feel the empty sadness sometimes. But maybe, just maybe, part of loving is learning to let go.

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